Rebel with a cause
by Maya-SekaDK
Summary: This isn't so much a story rather than a journal of Dylan's thoughts. Based on some storylines of the original show and based on parts of my story called, RED, in which Dylan writes a novel containing his childhood, his issues and his life with Kelly.
1. Chapter 1

**Rebel with a cause**

 **My childhood**

My childhood was no ordinary one. I was raised by my father, (well ' _raised_ ' is an overstatement). I practically raised myself. My mother flew in and out the course of my childhood. But even on the rare occasions she did show up, she spent most of her time controlling what she couldn't, or more like, what she had no right to. She wasn't the most responsible person either, like my father, she had some selfish traits. But with my father... well, his ' _business_ ' trips came first. His women came first. His money came before us all. I was the little boy who was raised by hotel staff, waiting for his dad to come home. Whenever he did, he always acted like I was a spoiled brat who never appreciated the rich, accomodating life he provided me with. To him, a boy complaining about walking home from school alone was me being entilted, because, after all, I had more than most kids, right?

 **Kindergarden**

I wasn't very social... even as I child I was a natural-born introvert. I was used to being alone... in my comfort zone, so naturally, being a loner felt safe. Two kids stood out to me growing up. There was Steve Sanders, _The Golden Boy_. Mr Popular. He was practically the celebrity in our midst... and, Kelly Taylor. She was the beautiful blonde kid... I liked her, and not in an 'Oh I _like_ her' way, but she was pretty, and kids like pretty, shiny things. But that wasn't the reason I liked her. There was something about her, her eyes. She was the only kid in class with sad eyes, the only one besides me. She was nice to me. I didn't like many people being around me, but I enjoyed her company.

 **Elementary**

Naturally I hadn't got close to anyone, of course, and by the time I was 12, I had cut everyone out, anyone that even tried to befriend me. I didn't know how to handle that kind of thing. All relationships are built by you, and you are built by the foundation your parents provide you with, and well, I had to build my own, and all I could build was walls... keep everyone out. If you keep the people out, you keep the pain out. But by this age, it was harder to ignore my pain. So I found a form of love, alcohol. That was probably my first ever relationship. Find something there that makes you forget your pain. By the time I was 14, I found something even better, sex. Naturally I didn't have any relationships, because how would I know what to do with one. But sex, like alcohol, or any other drug, stopped the pain for a second. It wasn't easy to find girls my age that could understand my lack of intimacy and commitment. But there were always some slightly older girls that didn't mind helping out the poor, rich boy. Which is important to remember because throughout my entire life I have come across those girls. Valerie, Gina... even Brenda. Girls who want to _save_ you. You see, girls in Beverly Hills, who grew up like I did, famous parents, abandonment issues, they knew better than to try and save you. Girls like Kelly and Donna... grew up with their own set of celebrity kid issues. Kelly never tried to save me... she knew me better than that. She had her own stuff going on, and like me, she knew, trying to save someone feels like pity. For most people that want to play the saviour role; it makes them feel better, maybe they're doing their part for humanity, or maybe it makes them feel better about themselves because they're saving the poor, lost soul. But in Beverly Hills, that's the last thing we want someone to do. That makes us feel even worse.

 **Last year of Elementary**

By the time I was 15, I still hadn't learned anything. I had tried to make friends... well, not friends, more like acquaintances so I wouldn't have to get drunk all by myself. I would reconnect with people like Steve and Kelly once in a while. They were always around but by then they were mr and mrs popularity... and dating. I'm not gonna lie, watching Kelly with Steve was a bit of a pill to swallow, as I stated earlier, I had a thing for her. But it didn't affect me too much, after all, even if I had some sort of feelings for her, I wouldn't know what to do with them. I wouldn't have noticed what they were to do something about it. So, as a kid with no parental guidance, no sense of morality, and no actual, deep human relationships, what was I to do in a giant hotel? Throw pool parties, get drunk, high and get laid.

High School

High school was one of those turning points in my life. We all have those, and this was my first one. Thanks to Brandon Walsh. The Walshes were small town people, still pure, as we'd call them, they haven't been cursed by Beverly Hills. He was the first person to ever, actually befriend me. No agenda, no condescention, just friendship. It was refreshing, he befriended me because he knew no one, and I was alone. It was a _two-way_ thing... everything was pretty one-sided in my life until that point. His parents, Jim and Cindy... wow I had never met anyone like them, not here anyway. Jim, a protective, supportive father. Cindy, a loving and compassionate mother. Hell, if i had known what that felt like, and being in their cosy, warm home. It was a family. I longed for that... and their daughter, Brenda Walsh. Now she, she was a big turning point in my life. She taught me _HOW_ to love. Before her, I didn't know what it was to care about someone so deeply, and more importantly, have someone who cared about you so deeply. How she broke down my walls, I'll never know, but I'm glad she did. Because if it weren't for her, I'd never have been able to fall in love, I never would have learned what it meant to commit to a relationship. I'm forever grateful for her. I understand that even more now that I'm older. I always think, if I had gone after Kelly Taylor before, Brenda... I would have ruined everything, we would have self-destructed. Kelly and I did not know how to love. We would have been trying to channel our feelings... blindly. Ultimately that would have resulted in us, getting drunk, high and having sex. Instead of loving each other, we would have being using each other as a painkiller. So I'm glad I didn't know what to do with any sense of love until Brenda. Brenda Walsh taught me how to love.

I'm not gonna lie... Learning to love and commit was not easy for me. I was always tempted to go and be selfish... I did a couple times. But Brenda was patient with me... she wasn't the strongest person, but she loved me... and she was intent on helping me learn. She believed in me, she believed I could do better and no one had ever believed in me like that before.

It wasn't easy at all. Relationships are hard for healthy people, so for me, it was even harder. Her father, big Jim... boy, did he give us a hard time. I couldn't understand it before, why wasn't I good enough for his daughter? If they loved me as much as they say they did. I always appreciated Brenda standing up for me. At least someone is on my side, I thought. But now that I'm older, I understand they were both on my side. And now that I am a father... I completely understand the need to protect his offspring... especially from broken kids of Beverly Hills.

 **That Summer**

I loved Brenda, I really did... But there were parts of me that I didn't ever want to let go of. Things that made me, _me_. I knew eventually this might become an issue. I know Brenda loved me for me, but I also knew our differences would result in our inevitable end. She wanted an ambitious man, a go-getter. Brandon was like that, so was her father. Those were the men she knew. The men who earned what they got. Who fought for what they got. They were _do-ers_. I wasn't. I was a _thinker_. I didn't have any 5 or 10 year plans. I wasn't ambitious. I was just trying to survive and grow... one day at a time.

 _We'll always have Paris_

I'm going to sound like an asshole at this stage of the story, but try to bare with me. I know I was not the most wholesome, mature, or well-put-together person. But I was a pretty smart kid. I saw people for _who_ they were, not _what_ they were. I saw things, deeply. I never took anything at face-value. Those are the kind of things you learn when you've struggled so long in life.

I'm not proud of what I did when Brenda left for Paris. I certainly should have handled it better and I'm not making excuses, but, did I really know any better when it came to emotional relationships and interactions with people?

Most of you will probably think I cheated on my girlfriend with a hotter chick, right? But that's where you're wrong. I fell for Kelly for one reason, and one reason only. We connected. She was the first person in my life that I truly connected with, besides my father. I don't know what it was, but all I remember was that night at Paradise Cove, I knew _something_. I knew that this connection was deep... real deep. This girl understood me in a way that no other could unless they were taught how to for years. And for the first time in my life, I had a bond with someone that reminded me I'm not alone in the universe.

That 'affair' made me feel like this is it. I'll break up with Brenda, I'll be with Kelly... my soul is telling me, this is it. I know that sounds crazy, I'm a sixteen year old kid, but I can't describe the feeling of being with her.

She on the other hand... she had more severe abandonment issues than I did. And unlike me, she was not used to being alone. She _leaves before she was left_. That was her motto. My motto is, I'm used to beling alone, let them leave, I'll be fine without them, _always was, always will be._

Naturally, given her motto, she did exactly that. She ended things... and I agreed with her. Maybe I didn't want to, but I had to, after all I didn't know any better either. We were kidding ourselves to think we were emotionally strong enough to handle an affair. Or maybe deep down, we were little romantics, that believed the past memory of an old flame was enough. _Only unfulfilled love can be romantic_ , right? Back then I thought she truly was doing what she thought was best for us. It was only later on that I found she was _'leaving before she was left_.' I guess she believed I would stay with Brenda once she got back from Paris. When the truth was I stayed with Brenda because Kelly made it me feel that there was nothing there to hold on to.

 **Senior Year**

It was A LOT harder than I thought it would be. Trying to forget everything that happened between me and Kelly. Trying to move on. But I had to try, right? Kelly wanted that, or so I thought. It was best for both of us. I shouldn't give up what I have with Brenda, for a girl who doesn't want to get too close to me.

But naturally, you can't silence your heart forever, and you can't hide these things. It was bursting out in other ways. Brenda and I were disconnecting, we were lying to ourselves about what we really wanted. She wanted what we knew she would eventually want, a do-er. I wanted to keep some part of _ME_ , still. I wanted someone who would understand me and not make me shred parts of my soul to be more decent and stable. There are some things man can't change about himself... his core. But I couldn't leave her, who was I before her, if there was no Brenda, I'd still be a loner kid, with no family, no friends, and no compassion for another human being. I was scared of the unknown. People like me and Kelly, we love the thrill of the risk, but deep down we are just scared little children. So I couldn't leave Brenda and waltz into the unknown. I couldn't leave the only thing I have and risk, going back to being my self-destructive self, again!

But Brenda, she didn't have the same tolerance as I did. I was used to sticking it out... I didn't have many other options. But Brenda, if she didn't like something, she'd change it. She grew up in a house where it was possible to be happier... So she called me out on it and ended it. And it turns out, it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. Actually, it made me feel like, for the first time, I should go after what I want. So I did... I drove straight to Kelly and fought for something. I know she wanted me to. I knew she'd be skeptical, but she wanted me to.

Our first offical date. It was at the planetarium, Kelly and I just... fell into each other. it felt so right. I had found the realest thing in my life. We got lost together... and found. I found myself, she found herself. We found ourselves in each other. For a moment, we forget all our issues, we weren't scared, we actually had hope. Until it was interrupted by Brenda. That interaction inevitably caused Kelly's trust issues, her intimacy issues and her abandonment issues to resurface. And she ran. And I was a coward, so naturally, I ran too.

When I came back from our brief escapism, I wanted to give it another go. I knew Kelly did too, but we were both too afraid. So I hesitated. Do I take the risk and go for it. Or should I go back to Brenda, where I can't get hurt, where I'm safe, back to what I know. Kelly could hurt me... Brenda never would. It wasn't until my father returned. Kelly and I were overlooking the pool, she was in a red dress, had her signature red lipstick. That was the colour I associated with her. And for the first time, she opened up to me, she spoke of her mother's divorce, the pain in her childhood. And I looked in her eyes and that's when I knew. I knew exactly what our connection was. We had _sympatico psyches_. I knew then, she was the one.


	2. Chapter 2

**We found love in a hopeless place**

My relationship with Kelly Taylor was red. Red-hot, firey, passionate, electric. We were a contradiction, we were made for each other, and yet, we weren't. We were both passionate people, and our relationship was turbulent. And just like a drug, the lows were destructive. We fought like cat and dog. Fighting with her was a dead-end road. We had tempers. We were jealous, who could blame us with all our intimacy issues. Neither of us were the steady one. When we crashed... we burned, but when we rose, we always had risen together. We helped each other forget everything, but we also caused each other a lot of pain in the process. Having said that, the highs though, the highs were better than any drug you've ever had. Making love to her was nirvana. Her voice, her sweet moans in my ear felt like your favourite song. Touching her made every nerve in my body scream with electricity. Being inside her made me feel complete.

Kelly was my drug... but you gotta come down at some point from every high, right? My father died. When he died, a part of me died. I was back to square one. I lost who I am. The only person in the world that carries my name. But even after my father had passed, the first person in my life I ever had any connection with. I knew eventually I'd be okay. Because I had _HER_. My soulmate. She made me realise I'm not unhappy to be alive. I'm glad she called. I'm glad she saved my life.

But it was too intense for us, maybe we were too young. We had evolved a lot thanks to the Walshes, but we still had trouble handling our emotions. For the first time in both of our lives, we had something to lose, and fear of losing one another, resulted in us pushing each other away. Fighting to hold onto each other, is what pushed us further away.

 **Red**

But the girl in red was not someone I would ever be able to let go of. It was torture being without her. It was also torture being with her. After our disastrous trip in Paris, all I needed for reassurance were those six words, " _I never slept with that guy_." It didn't matter how ridiculous it was, how unhealthy it was, that was all I needed to know, she was _MINE_.

Naturally Kelly and I make a habit of getting back together through our physical connection. The sex draws us back in. It wasn't about sex at all, it was just one of the many connections we had, and it was one of the hardest ones to let go of. We fall into bed and figure out the rest later. But we couldn't handle our own personal issues so we definitely never took responsibility in handling our relationship issues. We never communicated in that aspect. So we ended up crossing the same damn bridge when we came to it, the ' _Why didn't we solve our problems_ ' bridge.

 **We never go out of style**

College was definitely hard for us. Kelly wanted some normalcy. Who could blame her, she never had it. She was still a rich, Beverly Hills girl, she had her best friend Donna... they wanted to have regular college girl experiences, like _sororities_. Unfortunately for me, that meant frat parties. And if you know me at all, following the crowd ain't my style. I wasn't into conventional methods. I was a hardcore individual, who did things my own way. A true lone wolf. Juggling those differences were pretty hard, but I wasn't going to let this get in the way of me and my girl. But I had not anticipated just how hard it would be. Kelly Taylor is every young man's fantasy, and any guy having to watch men drool over their girl would not be too content, but for me, where Kelly is concerned, it's a catastrophe. I don't know why or how I became like this. I never claimed anything in my life. If someone was drifting away, I let them go, I was mature enough to understand that people will choose what they want and I respected that. But I could not think that open-mindedly when it came to Kelly. I wasn't like that with any other girl, I guess that's why they say love makes you do crazy things. But when Kelly was drifting away, something in me snapped. I couldn't let anyone take her away from me. And John Sears... well, he didn't play fair. Some would say it was my karma coming to collect. For me, it just made me realise how afraid I really was to lose her. Like I said earlier, falling in love with Kelly was dangerous, she _could_ hurt me. That's the risk we take when we fall in love.

I wasn't the most mature person in that situation. I did some petty things. I got very possessive. I had a temper. I wanted to punch this guy out the minute I saw him at that frat party.

I lost. For the first time since my father died, I truly lost. I was sat in a porsche, a porsche I could afford and yet a porsche I would return. I thought I had the world at my feet. I had my girl. My life was coming together, for the first time since my father died, I had hope again. But that was the moment she chose to leave me. To hurt me. Another man was taking my place.

If that's not enough to make a guy like me lose control, I also got a gun shoved in my face that night. Making me question why I'm even here? I'm not safe. Anyone can get me. Anyone can hurt me. Which is why I made sure to isolate myself in the past. Be alone, don't let anyone in or you'll get hurt. What am I even protecting? I've all I've got now. I am all I have to protect. So I had to do just that with full force.

 **Crash and Burn**

Kelly and I are a flame. A flame that shines and warms your heart at times, and sometimes a flame that grows into a fire, where you get burned. But here's the mystery of us. When we crash and burn, and boy, do we burn, we always come back.

My girl, the beauty and inspiration of my life, came to her senses. She came back. Maybe not straight to me, but she came back. I was glad, but hesitant. After all, she _left_ me. She could do it again. I went back and fourth, wondering whether I could give her another chance. I wanted to, I knew I would, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to get burned again. If you've ever been in that situation, throw a pie in the man's face. It helps.

Kelly and I never talked things out like mature adults. We should know how to at this point, but no. Instead we did our usual cycle. _Wait_... wait till we could handle being vulnerable again, let our passion take over. And that's exactly what we did. Thanks to our connection with the Santa Ana winds. The santa anas gave us the confidence to follow our passions. I don't know why, but maybe the wildness of the winds represented the wildness of our hearts. And she would become mine again.

 **I see fire**

Thank the lord we were back together. Nothing had changed. We still had the highest highs and the lowest lows, but nothing felt better than making love to her. Nothing felt better than looking at her. Nothing felt better than touching her. In fact, fighting with Kelly was better than being happy with anyone else. I'd get lost every time I saw her. It always felt like the first time I saw her. Watching how her lips moved when she talked, hearing her softly whisper my name, felt as good to me, as she felt whenever I whispered 'Kel.'

But her trust issues resurfaced a lot lately. And my intimacy issues would result in conclusion. She was scared to lose me. I admit it was nice that she wanted me as badly as I wanted her. But her insecurities pushing me made me want to escape.

When I had found a new family. I found Erica. I found Suzanne and Kevin. I finally had a family, I felt she resented them. Why didn't she want me to be happy? Granted I ultimately found out Kelly's suspicions of the couple were right on the money, but at the time, how was I supposed to know that? Kelly is known for her cynicism. For all I knew, she was paranoid and jealous. She hated me for not trusting her. I hated myself for doubting her. But I didn't know any better. I could only work with what I knew, based on the past.

Things with Kelly and I deteriorated from them. Suzanne and Kevin were the main reason, but there were other distractions that made me feel uneasy. Her and Brandon disguising as an item wasn't easy for me. It wasn't that I didn't trust Brandon, he was my brother. But seeing Kelly with anyone just reminded me of John Sears. And her new teacher, Lucinda Nicholson, spreading psuedo-feminism into my girlfriend's brain scared the hell out of me. Would Kelly be influenced by this woman? Would she remain monogamous? Or would she, once again, leave me, based on some theory this teacher created to comfort her own personal issues.

As much as Kelly and I tried to overcome our fights. The flame turned into fire. We exploded. Sometimes the fire is passion... and sometimes the fire burns the house down. This time, Kelly and I were relucted to walk back into the house. We were losing each other. We didn't want to, but we got lost. We lost control.

And I had to do it. My signature move. _Escape_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summer returns**

After Kelly and I broke up, it was hard, but with Kelly it never really felt like the end. It always felt like a break and we would find each other again. I used this time to focus on Erica.

Then Brenda was leaving. She was one of the first people to have my back. I always found it easy to talk to her. But she was leaving when I needed a friend. At that time I always thought we'd be close. I thought she would always be there to talk to. I never believe that even she, would be a thing of the past. We eventually drifted apart. She didn't feel like the person I could say anything to after that.

Everything was a downward spiral from then on. My world fell apart when I lost Kelly. Suzanne and Kevin conned me for everything I'm worth. But what was worse than taking my money? Taking Erica. My last chance of a family. I couldn't believe it. This could not be my life. I spent that summer going crazy. Isolating myself. I don't think I had spoken to anyone from back home. Not even Iris. The only contact I had, was a dealer. It was time for me to return home. I needed my people. _Kelly_. The only person that makes me feel alive. _Happy_ to be alive. Brandon, my brother. So I returned.

 **Bevery Hills, 90210**

Back home. At the zipcode. I still sucked at handling my pain. I hadn't spoken to my sponsor in months. I hadn't made any effort whatsoever. I couldn't. I had lost the will to try. Even when I saw people I loved, I couldn't be happy. I was _gone_... so far gone. Seeing Nat. The true father figure for all of us, kids. I couldn't even show him how much I missed him. I wasn't living, I was barely surviving. I was just... waiting on that thin line between life or death, waiting for some strong winds like the Santa Anas to push me on one side or the other.

Then I saw Jim and Cindy. I resented them. I couldn't face them. If I had listened to Jim, maybe I wouldn't have gotten so screwed over. But I couldn't admit that. Admit defeat? No way. I was rotting in hell. I didn't want to see them. Naturally, Nat was the one guy who'd put me in my place. He was always setting me straight when I needed it the most. But those words cut through me, " _You can't blame her for going to Brandon_."

 **May the bridges I burn light the way**

You ever felt that moment when your heart drops down into your stomach? Well, I was about to. Kelly with Brandon. Kelly, wearing _red_. Kelly with _Brandon_. Kelly _kissing_ Brandon. I couldn't believe it, my best girl... my boyscout... together. I had never felt so betrayed in my life. I finally understood exactly how I hurt Brenda. Losing your first love sucks... but losing the person who is supposed to be your last? horrific.

I couldn't take the pain. Why does misery love company? I needed something... something strong. And if you go to the dirty bars that I've seen in my life, you will find it. I had gotten high when I was younger but I had never succumb to hard drugs. And boy, did I need that. There... I got the alcohol covered... I got drugs... I needed one last painkiller to numb this aching feeling. Sex. But this time, I couldn't just pick anyone. If I had, I'd be thinking about Kelly the whole time. No. I needed a professional. And I found one.

Before you judge me here, just remember, my life had fallen apart, I was drunk, high and in despair. I couldn't think clearly, I was just trying to avoid the pain. And Kelly shows up at my door. I didn't want to see her face. How dare she come over and act like she wants to talk... help me out? no thanks. I had to hurt her. I know how immature that sounds, but in the state of mind I was in, that was all I could think about. I want her to feel the way I feel. She has to know what she did to me... and catching me with a hooker, felt like the best revenge.

I had met Valerie after that. She could handle a casual relationship. Even if it wasn't enough, she understood that, that was all I could offer. There was something about her though, that made me tolerate her presence. She was desperate for a family too. I could feel that. We both were. And it felt nice to be around someone that could relate, someone that wouldn't judge you.

 **Intervention**

Waking up after the high, I felt a little shook up. Cindy was at my door. But I hadn't drowned all my senses in alcohol and drugs. I knew why she was there. She was being a mother. Maybe I couldn't admit that, but I knew.

But walking into the Walsh house to find everyone there trying to help me. Bullshit. Look at them on their high horses, feeling better about their own lives as they pity me. Brandon and Kelly sitting there, trying to support me? Get lost. They were the last people to be helping me, they are a part of why I'm even here. I did appreciate Steve being there though. He and I had many differences, and did butt heads quite a bit, but he was a good guy. For a rich, popular guy, he was humble, he was genuine. But it was David and Donna that convinced me to go to rehab. David, even though he felt more like Kelly's brother than a friend, I admired how close they had gotten, they considered each other family. David was a pure, good soul. He was there for me when my father died. I was there for him when he had his drug problem, and yet again, he was returning to favour. I knew his reason for being here that day, was genuine. And Donna... she may be Kelly's best friend, but she always felt like a little sister. People underestimate Donna, but she's wiser than most. For Donna, life wasn't black and white... she saw the grey. She could point out the perspective you could never see. She was always understanding, and if Donna thought something was a good idea, you can bet your asses, she was probably right. She'd review things from all angles before making a decision. Smart girl. And thanks to those two, I went to rehab.

 **Rock bottom**

You couldn't have expected me to not be reluctant though, right? Forcing me into a gloomy, depressing institution. With a chatty roommate?! It was too much too soon. I couldn't handle that. I needed to escape. So I did.

It was only after my car accident, my near-death experience, that finally encouraged me to get help. My thoughts in that moment were, I still have something to live for. It's not over. I'm not finished yet. _Kelly and I_ aren't finished yet.


	4. Chapter 4

**Rolling Stone**

When I got to rehab though. Things were different. I had a lot of time to think in this place. That's where I met Charlie. He was the only person who probably ever intimidated me. But I stood up to him. Proved to myself I got some fight left in me. But that wasn't the eye-opener. As much as the rehabilitation helped, it was Charlie that woke me up. He was me -a generation earlier. A _rich brat_ going through a downward spiral. That's when I realised, I couldn't be selfish, I couldn't be reckless, I can't be him, checking back in here at 42 years old. After all, if you stay at the party too long, you die.

Kelly came to visit me. My world lit up. But I had a lot of time to think in there and I realised how much I loved her. How my life truly fell apart because I lost her -and I knew... I couldn't be selfish. She was happy for the first time in a long time, she was modelling, she was trying hard to find herself. I didn't want to screw that up for her. And as hard as it was to see her with Brandon, I knew that if I truly loved her, I'd want her to be happy. And in this moment, if I was selfish, I would have dragged her down with me. I couldn't let her be miserable. I wanted her to be happy, even if I wasn't the guy that got to make her happy.

I'm glad I didn't find out about the fire until Kelly was alright. I wouldn't have been able to cope if I knew she was fighting for her life. I kept in contact more, not just with her, but with Iris too. I wanted to make sure Kel was okay. I had to make sure Brandon was taking care of her. Not gonna lie, though. Finding out about his and Emily's little rendezvous, made me feel a little better. I don't mean that to sound as vindictive as it does, I just mean that, Brandon and Emily not being able to let go, made me believe Kelly couldn't let me go either. Made me believe there was still hope for me and Kelly... someday. I knew that Kelly still had the same trust issues, after finding out about Emily. But the way I see it, if Emily could love Brandon so much to let him go, even if it's just for the time being. Then I could do the same with Kel.

 **The times, they are a-changing**

Right now, I had a more pressing issue. I had to find Erica. I couldn't let Suzanne and Kevin get away with what they did. So I turned to Christine Pettit. She was a smart woman, she was a strong woman and she was the love of my father's life. I knew I could trust her.

I was doing good at this point. I was ready, prepared for a fresh start. I was gaining back the friendships I had disrespected. I was coming home. Brandon and I were getting back to normal and I needed that. I needed a brother at this time. We were going camping, a very much needed trip to rekindle our friendship.

It was only when I saw Kelly at his house that things became real to me. My decision to let Kelly go and let Brandon make her happy was very hard to come to terms with. Albeit a good decision, a selfless, and mature decision made out of love, it was still hard to watch someone you love, love someone else.

Naturally, as Jim predicted, Brandon and I were fighting before we got to the campground. He brought up Lucinda, that damn woman who was hustling me, which just reminded me that, at that time, Brandon was hustling Kellly. But like brothers, we bounced back... even if we were in love with the same woman. I gotta say, I'm pretty proud of Brandon and myself, for rising above.

I was constantly torn between being level headed and falling through the free fall. And if I thought it ended here... I was wrong.


	5. Chapter 5

**Opportunity**

Christine Pettit sent me a man who called himself Jonesy. He was the key to success in my mission to save Erica and get my cash back. Valerie came on the trip with us and to be honest, we couldn't have done it without her. I won't bore you with the details but we definitely risked our lives to retrieve everything back. Thankfully it was a success. After paying Jones and Valerie for their part, I took Erica to Iris. They hit it off, luckily. Not many people can deal with Iris, myself included. Iris got a second chance at being a mother, finally. I know that made her happy. Erica got to have a proper childhood. It had been a long time since I felt this content. I could finally stop and relax, soak in a positive outcome. But Valerie made sure it didn't last long, hustling me for more money.

I was doing good. I was trying to keep myself going. After all I had to cherish these moments. Erica was safe. I was no longer broke. Things were falling into place and I was healthier, or at least, I had convinced myself I was doing good.

Then Brandon showed up. He needed my help regarding Kelly. He had said she joined a cult. Isn't that fucking ridiculous? I wanted to laugh him out the door, but then I realised, there was a silver lining here... He loved her very much, but he didn't connect to her the way I did. He still needed me to get through to her. I enjoyed that. (Yes, I'm smug).

In all seriousness though, this was dangerous. You wouldn't want anyone you care about to be getting brainwashed by a theory that can ultimately damage their life. I knew very well that Kelly won't just listen. She has to trust you in order to listen to you, and Brandon arguing with her about the whole concept made her faith in it stronger and her faith in Brandon weaker. So I had to be smart, I had to convince her to let me in, trust me, let me in on the theory, only then, could I figure out how to bring her back to her senses.

 **You know, I'm no good**

I was going to do the right thing, I really was. But something in me snapped. She kisssed me. It had been so long since I kissed her. After having her in my arms and her lips on mine I thought, here's my chance. How dangerous is this cult anyway? They're not hurting her. Maybe this was a good idea, I could get her back. I could have Kelly back. And that thought definitely clouded my brain.

For a brief moment I was back to my original self. Using my money get whatever I wanted. So I bribed Finley. I'd pay him a generous amount if it meant I would get Kelly back. I didn't care about morality, I'm taking back what's mine any way I can. One of the benefits of being a rich, spoiled brat.

But I couldn't go through with it. I guess I came to my senses... or maybe I didn't want my karma to return in full force, (Iris would love my spiritualism). But I couldn't manipulate Kelly. So I called Brandon and told him what I did. When Kelly arrived at my house, I knew it was the right thing. I wanted her back, but not like this. Naturally I was going to have a weak moment, but I realised if she were going to come back to me, I'd want it to be her choice. I want her to want to come back, not because I paid someone to convince her to.

 **I gotta do what I gotta do**

But the thing is, it's much easier to be the good guy that does the noble thing when you're not around. I hadn't been hanging around the gang. So being able to let Kelly be with Brandon was fine. Out of sight out of mind, or something like that. But once I came back, started hanging out with everyone again, it wasn't so easy anymore, because this time, I had to see the result of my decisions. Actually watching Kelly be with Brandon was much harder in person. Seeing her, and not being able to touch her, hold her... Watching someone else get to do it. That was tough.

Thank god for Charlie. He definitely was good at keeping me sober. He was getting me back on track. He told me to start thinking about my future. He and I started writing together. We started researching the belief of past lives. Now that was an adventure. I'm still not sure whether I believe in all of it or not. But I know from that experience my soul was telling me something. It was telling me not to let go. It was showing me what I had and what I could still have - _Kelly_. She is my future.

I started thinking, Kelly has changed a lot. Brandon was a huge part of her transition. She was a better person because of him. He was the stable, dependable guy, and she needed that. She needed someone reliable, basically the opposite of her father. Brandon made her believe in herself. But I know she still loves me. I know she feels our connection when she looks at me. So maybe she wasn't choosing Brandon over me. Maybe she's choosing the person she is when she's with him. Now, what if I can prove to her that I'm grown up too? Show her that I can be that guy she can depend on -a committed guy. And it was definitely time I figured my life out.

Going over to see her just proved it all... she still wanted me too. It felt so good to be touching her again... I felt alive again, it felt like home. I knew what I had to do. I know you're thinking this isn't fair to Brandon but I had to do what I had to do.

 **I can show you the world**

I bought 2 plane tickets, around the world. Brandon was aware of what I was doing, but just like I told him, he loves her, but Kelly and I are connected. I know she is meant to be mine. He proposed. I know what you're thinking, he has a ring -All I got is plane tickets. Who looks committed? But this symbolised much more than a trip. Like how the poor guy wishes he could give the girl the world, like Aladdin. That's what I was doing... offering Kelly the world, offering to commit to our world. I was stepping up for her, -for _us._

 **Sugar, we're going down**

She said she didn't choose. She chose herself. How could she not pick me? How could she deny us?

But she did choose didn't she? She may not have chosen her future, but she chose to continue her relationship with Brandon. _THAT_ is a choice. I was crushed. Seriously, how could she not see what I see? That was it. I drowned. I lost. I couldn't fight anymore, I had to give up.


	6. Chapter 6

**It's what you do to me**

I left... I went through a pretty rough patch. I was searching for Kelly in every woman. A string of one night stands. It didn't matter how big or small the similarities were. Whether they had Kelly's passion or something as little as same hair/eye colour, -same curve at the end of her mouth, I banged her.

It took a long time to grieve, but eventually I got back up. I returned home to find Kelly with someone else. At least losing her to Brandon meant she was with a good guy. But this new guy... was a schmuck! Although, it showed me, she was looking for a guy with a bit of _me_ in him too.

I should have yelled... ever since I saw her face again, all I wanted to do was give her hell. But I got weak. Just seeing her again made me weak and I felt speechless. Maybe I just have to accept that soulmates don't always end up together. Maybe I just had to love her from afar.

But I decided to enjoy whatever time I got to spend with her. Get my daily dose of Kelly when I could. It made me feel alive. After all, this was all I could get, I had to accept that, _there's always someone else_.

 **Revenge of the son**

I wasn't exactly in the best place. I was struggling to stay afloat. My head was a mess, and you know if I lose my ability to think straight, -along comes the crazy.

I decided to avenge my father's death. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I wasn't in my right head, and I had to accomplish something in my life that didn't result in me _losing_.

But on the hunt for revenge, I met Antonia Marchette. Here I am thinking that hate will lead the way... but I was wrong... love did. Romeo and Juliet if you will, Mckays vs the Marchettes. Now she, she had a bit of Kelly in her, which is what first attracted me to her. Her eyes told a story, just like Kelly's. But there was something Antonia had that neither Kelly nor I had -Optimism and bravery. Antonia was full of hope, she was a glass-half-full kind of girl. She never let any obstacles bring her down, she didn't escape from life... ever. She was fearless. I needed that. She healed me. For the first time in a long time, someone came along and gave me the treatment I needed... hope.

 **A right now plan**

Antonia understood my passionate history with Kelly. It made her love her even more, she was willing to be patient and help me. This woman gave and gave. There wasn't a bad bone in her body. This is the kind of woman I could spend the rest of my life with. The longer we were together, the more I realised, that I get a second chance to be happy. I wasn't going to waste any time. It's been a long time since I have been loved and happy. I proposed.

Kelly did not take the news well. I know I had hurt her with the announcement. I never wanted to do that, but I asked her _first_. She said no. This made me realise, Kelly didn't get it... I thought she knew I was giving her the world, and she didn't. Our mind's were so far apart. Maybe there's a part of Kelly that chose to disconnect from me. This was hard to take. But it reassured me, that I had made the right decision. Antonia wants to be with me forever. She won't ever disconnect from me.

I had to adapt to loving Kelly from afar. That was her choice. I couldn't keep waiting, just to have her string me along and then desert me. No. Antonia was willing to give me what Kelly wouldn't. So maybe, I won't get the love of my life, but I'll definitely get the one I love right now, and I truly love Antonia. And that's enough for me. I'm tired of the bullshit... It's my turn to be happy.

But if you've been paying attention to my life... the other shoe always drops.

I was finally settled, I had a beautiful, kind woman. I started to believe in hope again. My life was nothing short of perfect and then, my bride was murdered.

My last chance for a family... the last shred of hope in my life... Antonia, my love... was murdered.

That's it. I wasn't even going to bother with people's psycho-babble. There is no 'it gets better' there is no 'hope' If you fall in love, you just fall. Everything in my life gets taken away from me. I will not search for happiness. My happiness is buried under the ground I stand on.

I'm leaving this place. I never want to come back here. This is no longer my home, I thought. My father is underground... my wife is underground. Beverly hills is just a funeral to me now.

I'm never coming back.


	7. Chapter 7

**Drown your sorrows**

I remember standing at the airport, desperate to get out of LA. I thought about going to Iris, but quickly changed my mind. She couldn't see me like this. She'd be trying to help me find peace. I was not ready to make peace with my wife's death, another person who carries my name succumbed to her fatal fate. So I went to Paris, where I always go to escape life in Beverly Hills.

I can't even begin to describe the next few months. I was completely out of it. I was drunk, high, whatever I could get my hands on -So there was no way I can recollect.

I abused every substance I could find, anything to forget the fact that my wife is buried somewhere in LA. After some time had passed, I had some brief moments of sobriety, not many, but as the months went by, the pain eased, (at least I prayed it did).

Then I realised Paris was not the right place for me. The most romantic city in the world and I thought I could come here to forget about my wife's death? Obviously not. Plus ' _we'll always have Paris_ '? No... don't need to think about my connection to Paris with Kelly either.

By now I had been in Paris for 5 months and things weren't getting better. I saw Antonia in my dreams, I was suffering, I had to get out of here. But where would I go? I have no one.

 **London Town**

Then I remembered one more added to the Paris equation. Brenda. I needed a friend and I needed one that was far, far away from Beverly Hills. So I went to London.

I hadn't planned for a relationship, I just needed someone. Brenda greeted me with open arms. I told her about everything, I'm glad I could still talk to her. She didn't try to cure me, she just supported me. She helped me sober up, and made sure I stayed in contact with Charlie whenever I felt the pressure to drink.

I had been crashing on Brenda's couch for 2 months, and I thought to myself, maybe this is where I should be. Brenda was always there for me. We loved each other once. I could move to London, we could make a life for ourselves. So that's what we did.

We started dating again. We took it slow, she didn't want to be some rebound and she wanted to help me grieve Antonia, so we didn't rush into anything. But we just enjoyed the flow of dating, enjoying each other's company and comfort, if I wanted to talk about Antonia, Brenda encouraged it.

I was getting better. I was sober. I was starting to smile again. Brenda made me happy. But I still had nightmares. I was still struggling. I never told her, that was my mistake. Brenda has done nothing but support me since I came here, and I lied to her, pretending everything was fine. Eventually the truth always comes out. She had told me that she had been in contact with Brandon and that he and Kelly are getting married. She wouldn't have mentioned that if I had told her the truth about how unstable I feel at the moment. That day I left the house, told her I was job hunting and spent the day in the pub getting trashed. Brenda found me that evening on the floor. She sobered me up, took me home and let me sleep it off.

The next morning I woke up, having no recollection of what happened until she told me. She then, told me I couldn't stay here. We weren't going to work. I didn't want to hear what she was saying but I knew she was right. I apologised over and over again but like she said, we aren't in high school anymore, we're adults, and you know Brenda does not like to be anyone's second choice. After my reaction to Brandon and Kelly's engagement, she knew it was better to say goodbye. Deep down I knew Brenda always had my back, and she would still be there if I needed a friend, but she couldn't push a relationship on me, knowing that I'm not all in. I still remember how much her words devasted me. " _I can't allow you to force yourself into this, knowing you'll always be fantasizing about Kelly, the way I fantasize about you. It's time I let you go_."

 **One step forward, 3 steps back**

It was hard, but she was right. I was proud of Brenda for how strong she had become. I decided to visit LA. I knew this was the day of the wedding. I thought I could handle it. I was ready to come and face my friends. Support them.

But by the time I got there. I saw Kelly in a wedding gown. And that's when it hit me. She was about to marry someone else.

It was a lot easier to be happy for them when I had Antonia. But now, there was no Antonia. I was alone. It was much harder to watch now.

I never let them know I was there. I left. I couldn't even say hello.

 **Travel and learn**

I decided to travel to places I had never been before. It was time I focused on healing myself. One of my last stops was Mexico, I learned a lot there. They had these tribes that had these rituals on the day of the dead. You lit candles in honour of the deceased. I finally got to grieve Antonia, in the right way. I got to make my peace.

I wouldn't say I was healed, I still needed a drink and a smoke every now and then. But I was trying, trying to put one foot in front of the other. Trying to let Antonia rest in peace.

Travelling the world was the best healer. I met all kinds of people, was introduced to all kinds of culture, and it helped. Watching how the world fights for the same life we do, was beautiful. But the wild meditterranean winds reminded me of certain winds back home, and a certain girl that always resurfaced in my head whenever I was sober.

 **Brave the storm**

2 years had passed. I was finally ready to return home. I was excited and scared. But I knew seeing her face would make me feel better. I was ready to make something of myself again. No more foolish man-child behaviour. I was ready to be a man for Antonia. Now I needed to be a man for myself.

 **Give thanks**

Thanksgiving, the perfect time to be in America. Walking up to the Walsh House all these years later... that felt particularly comforting now. To be home. To be around the only family I know.

I saw her. Kelly got better looking every day. It felt good to see her face. She was with someone, (Of course) but that didn't bother me, not anymore. I felt more assured of myself now. We keep winding back together. We keep finding each other. I know she was happy to see me, but she was also terrified of me being here. She could sense that I was assured of myself, she could feel our connection again and that scared her.


	8. Chapter 8

**Denial**

Okay fine. Just because I kept the reason I came back hidden from my friends, doesn't mean I should hide it from you lot.

Truth is, before I headed over to the medditteranean, I went to visit Iris. She was feeling a little broken after what happened to Erica. She needed some support. I comforted her, I told her how proud I was of her and that this time, she did her best, she became a mother. Erica is happy and healthy now, and Iris shouldn't disregard the credit she deserves.

It was a good 2 weeks, we spoke to Erica frequently, checking on her. We were a family. But they both admitted to staying in contact with Kelly after she and Brandon helped Erica. I didn't want to hear that. Now my world has crash and burned, Kelly and Iris are getting along? Adding my sister into their tight bond? Wow.

That wasn't all. I had to get Iris' motivational speech about how I had to accept Kelly was marrying Brandon. How most of the great loves in the world don't get the happy ending. So first, Antonia only lives in my memory and now you're telling me that the love and passion I shared with Kelly will too, only exist in my memory? Yeah... It's time to get some distance from Iris.

It was then, that I had chosen to sail the medditteranean. Spent weeks in Greece and Turkey... And that's when Iris called me and let it slip. Kelly and Brandon never got married. Kelly wasn't married. I heard Iris say those words as I stood outside by the sea, as these heavy winds blew. I knew, I had to rush home. _Kelly wasn't married._

I just wasn't ready to share all that with the world yet.

 **Beverly Hills, I'm home**

I was ready for a fresh start. I sold my house, I needed new memories, not haunted ones. I moved in with David.

I was aware that Matt and Kelly weren't some fling, Kelly was definitely serious. After all he was Brandon 2.0. Just more stable, more succesful, more serious and definitely more dependable. Again, it didn't bother me yet, I know she still connected to me. She found herself needing me again, and I was glad, we both felt like we were coming home. Maybe she had grown up, after all, she was more accepting of what is between us. She didn't deny it anymore. After her grandfather passed she let herself be where she wanted to be -in my arms. Kissing her for the first time felt amazing. It had been too long. But I wasn't going to be foolish this time. I couldn't get ahead of myself, I knew, I'd have to wait, take what I can get, enjoy the time I had with her, no promises.

I could take it slow this time, not just for Kelly's sake, but for mine. I couldn't think about a serious relationship right now, not after Antonia. Kelly wouldn't have committed to me anyway even if I were. We were both in the same place, we just missed each other, we missed how we made each other feel, and we wanted to enjoy that, no strings attached.

I know my return made Matt keep a close eye on her. But he didn't have to (at least I thought he didn't have to). I didn't have any fight in me for Kelly... not yet. I missed her but I wasn't ready to think that far ahead, I was just trying to get through day by day. Antonia's death haunted me still. The nightmares drove me back to my old ways, and I did whatever I could to get my hands on Heroin.

 **Hollow statues**

I was definitely happy to get away to Mexico with Kelly. Partly to get the drugs I was smuggling back in and partly because I got to be alone with Kelly and that felt so good. It felt good to be around her again. To kiss her, to touch her, to smell her hair. It felt as good as the drugs I was bringing back to LA. But like I said, the best I could do was enjoy reconnecting, for Kelly it was just a moment of weakness and she eventually decided to focus on Matt.

I didn't like that, but to be honest I was so messed up that I didn't focus on it too much.

Then I met Gina, to be honest, it all started because I wanted sex to go with my drugs. But there was a lot more to Gina than meets the eye. She had a little bit of Kelly and Antonia in her. She was fun and passionate like Kelly, but she was strong and determined like Antonia. I definitely did not mind getting lost in that for a while.

Unfortunately for me, Gina wasn't as sweet as my two girls. She was devious. In order for things to remain the way they are, I'd have to step up, a lot. I wanted to keep my drugs. I wanted to get laid, I definitely didn't want to think about Kelly and Matt. And I didn't want to think about my dead wife. So I needed Gina to fill the void, which meant I had my work cut out for me.

 **Withdrawal**

Things became a mess from then on. I was high more often than not, Gina caught me. I was suffering, I was going insane, Toni's death haunted me. I even ended up in jail.

My withdrawal symptons got the better of me. I couldn't stand it anymore, I'm in pain because I'm out of the solution that ended my pain.

When I finally got the good stuff, I lost myself again. I had no control -And there's always a time in every addict's life, where he realises he's gone too far.

For me, that was when Donna had to be taken to the hospital... because of _me_.


	9. Chapter 9

**Do-over**

Knowing I caused harm to my friends scared me even more. I passed out on Kelly's doorstep. It was a plea for help. Thankfully I went to rehab, and believe it or not, Matt kept me out of jail. (Yeah he's a good guy... unfortunately).

But here I am, doing community service, definitely missing the thrill of life. I began using Gina to help me forget about drugs. Maybe that wasn't the only thing I was using her for. I had gotten a bit pushy with her, I would try to convince her to have sex in public places, a thing that Kelly and I would do when we were young, chasing the thrills.

 **You lift my spirit**

Kelly always found a way to show me she's there. Even when neither of us could do much for each other right now, she was there for me the best she could be. Which was good, because I wasn't ready to give more than that, and the last thing I wanted would be to blow a chance with Kelly because I wasn't ready for it.

She bought me my dream car. I know Kelly and I are used to lavish gifts, but this wasn't what this was. This is her telling me dreams do come true.

 **Old habits**

During our trip to Mexico, I guess it was only a matter of time for me and Kelly to fall back into place. We made love. I hadn't even realised how long it had been since we had actually made love. It felt perfect. It felt just as I remembered. For the first time in a long time, I felt alive and happy. It was an amazing night but I knew, it would make things a lot harder for me. One night was all it took for me to remember how hooked I was on her. At least before, it was a lot easier to wait... and be better. But now, now that I have felt her body against mine, now that I have been inside her after all this time -I knew, everything was coming back to me. Our connection was reminding us of our spark, and that could only mean danger for whoever was involved with us.

 **History repeats itself**

That is exactly what happened, it became hard for us to hide our feelings. They had been buried so deep when we were away from each other, that naturally when we resurface, so do our hearts. It became a little too easy for Gina and Matt to notice, just like those before them, who never stood a chance against my connection with Kel.

Naturally, Kelly freaks out... feeling like a high schooler again, tried avoiding me. But I know that song and dance too well. I wasn't going to back down. I wasn't going to let this slip my fingers. Maybe I wasn't the most decent guy in the world, but after what I had been through, if I wanted to spend time with Kelly then I will. She was the most special person in the world to me, she was the great love of my life, no one was going to stop me from being in her presence.

But knowing Kelly, she felt guilty. She wanted to tell Matt what had happened between us, and unlike her I had learned my lesson, Kelly and I share something beautiful that some people just won't understand. In that moment I had considered breaking up with Gina, partly because I wasn't ready to have this relationship and partly because deep down I started to believe Kelly will want to be with me again, someday. I was finally hopeful, again.

 **The truth will set you free**

I guess I should have known that getting your hopes up over Kelly is just a dead-end road. After seeing the tape of Kelly and Matt. I was jealous, she was happy. She was in love and here I thought we were finally getting somewhere. I admit I tried to overcompensate with Gina, but she saw right through me and got the truth out.

 **Where do all the lonely people go**

I was a mess. I wanted Kelly, but again, I couldn't have her and I wasn't going to give her the chance to hurt me. So I did what I usually did, numb the pain, but the only thing I could abuse at this point is sex. I turned to Gina, doing whatever I could to get that back, I was using her as a painkiller but it caused a lot of problems between David and I, and unfortunately, I let David know how little she means to me... and Gina heard it.

I had no other choice then, but to turn to drugs... but I was trying to be better -I knew that was the last thing I could abuse, so I turned to Kelly, she was the only person I could really trust. She was the only one I felt I could be honest with, and I asked her for help. But she never showed.


	10. Chapter 10

I found out Kelly was raped. Nothing hurt more. Seeing the woman I love in so much pain. Knowing someone did this to her, because she was trying to help me was too hard to bear.

Kelly stayed over at my house for a few nights. I had to be the one to take care of her, and I was glad she let me. I needed her to be safe, with me and I'm glad she knew she could come to me. It was easier for her to confide me in than Matt, and I knew our connection was stronger than her love for Matt. I handed her my gun. I couldn't bear it if anything happened to her again. I was going to make sure nothing would.

 **Set you free**

But the pain inflicted in me was too much. Knowing that Kelly was suffering because of _me_... knowing that if I had left her alone to be with Matt, she wouldn't be in pain. I had to let her go. I couldn't do this again. Everyone I love ends up damaged, first Antonia and now Kelly? No, I had to save her, before things got any worse for her. I'd rather be alone and miserable, than bring Kelly into my world of darkness. I couldn't rescue Antonia, but I could rescue Kelly.

 **Grin and Bear it**

I ended up in bed with Gina. I had to let Kelly go because I was terrified of destroying her and the only way I could do that is if I distracted myself from the pain of having to lose Kelly again. So I turned to Gina. Granted it wasn't fair to David, but when I reach this level of pain... I don't do well with compassion for others.

I had to move out of David's so I became a resident at the BelAge. That hotel was the only steady thing in my life. Gina ended up moving in. I wasn't too happy about her disregarding my incapabilities when it came to intimacy. But it wasn't all bad, I decided to enroll in college. At least I was ready to make a life for myself again. It was baby steps, but steps nonetheless.

I have David to thank for getting into college. He had my back even when he was mad at me. Then again, he had my back, back when he didn't know me.

Naturally, I snapped when Gina made herself a little too comfortable in my hotel room. Deep down she knew that it wasn't just my fear of committment pushing her away, but also the fact that she wasn't someone I planned on committing to. She moved out, she wasn't too pleased with me. But honestly, I didn't care.

 **Clarity**

But life took a turn for the better. Steve and Janet were about to be parents. That's right, Steve was becoming a father. (Crazy, I know) Kelly and I were asked to be godparents.

Things were looking up for me. Steve had honoured me with this title. I was glad, it meant be believed in me.

Steve and Janet's minister came to my aid. I guess he saw something in me. He saw exactly what my fears were. He knew I had love for Kelly and he knew I was holding back and he was right. The pain of losing Toni resurfaced when I feared losing Kelly -And he told me, I had to open my heart again, I couldn't fear committing to another woman because of the guilt surrounding me over Toni's death. And after all it's what Toni would want. After all, she was the one woman who understood my love for Kelly.

But it wasn't that simple, even if I was ready to let Toni go, it wouldn't be nearly as painful as the uncertainty I feel whenever I open my heart to Kelly. Whenever Kelly and I looked like we were finally ready for our happy ending, she'd back away, in this particular time of our lives, that meant back to Matt.

But I couldn't let it go that quickly. There was something about that trip... I started to have some fight in me again. I was ready... I was ready to fight for her. That night I was ready to share my feelings with Kelly, feelings I had hidden so far from everyone. But she was with Matt and it stopped me. What if, after all this time had passed, what if she meant it this time, that she really felt Matt was the one? I couldn't argue with her this time, all she had seen from me is casual sex with Gina and a lot of heroin... for all I know, I had been pushing her onto Matt even more.

I had to change that. I needed her to know I'm not as irresponsible as she thinks. I had to show her that I can get better, that no matter how great Matt is, she needs to know how I feel. So I told her... I told her about seeing her on her wedding day. I told her that I was there... still loving her.

I was ready to pull out all the stops. I told her how I felt about her. She hadn't heard it in a long time. Now I needed actions, not words. So I put together this thanksgiving charity. I asked Kelly to join me, I wanted her to see I am capable of taking care of her, of us, of our future. I was ready, finally.

But I knew I was stepping on Matt's toes to do it. Then I realised, had I really changed? I've always stepped on another man's toes to get Kelly back... if I did this, she would find out and he will be the better guy. So I had to do the most painful thing I've done regarding Kelly since letting her go to Brandon. I had to back out. I couldn't push this great guy out of her life... I couldn't take away something good for Kelly for my own selfish need and desire to have her.


	11. Chapter 11

**All or nothing**

I know I said I would back off, but when it came to Kelly, could I ever, really? I still wanted to make her happy. I wanted to make her inspired. I bought her the painting she liked. I knew very well Matt thought I was competing, because I had cash and Kelly and I were used to lavish gifts, as I stated earlier. But that wasn't it. Matt just didn't know our history, he couldn't understand how much I cared for Kelly and I wanted to make her happy, even if he was the guy who got to go home with her. I guess it caused quite a stir when she came over that day with her all or nothing speech.

I wanted to be all in. I did, but as soon as she said it, I panicked. My fear of commitment after losing Toni resurfaced and I doubted myself... What if I failed again? I was too worn out to fail again. I still suffered from losing Toni, and I lost Kelly way too many times that I don't think I could handle losing Kelly again if I couldn't make it work. I couldn't fail again. So I fell silent. I couldn't tell her all of this. I couldn't explain it and because of that, it resulting in her believing I would never be enough.

 **I'm ready**

It didn't take me long to wake up. For once, my desire for something real won over my desire to escape into fear. I was ready, all or nothing, it was time to show Kelly that we are meant to be. I wasn't going to lose out this time... I finally was ready to prove myself to her. But I was too late. She had already agreed to marry Matt.

I guess I should have known, Kelly wouldn't wait forever, after all, she didn't have the patience I had when it came to us, but it did hurt... I didn't want to lose her, because I knew that this time, there would be no more chances. This was it, she would be gone for good.

 **Jealousy and desire go hand in hand**

Seeing Kelly after that cut me like a knife and my duties as godfather were failing due to that. It was just this whole committment concept that rubbed me the wrong way. Here, Kelly and I are supposed to declare our committment to little Madeline, and yet, she was committed to another guy. It should have been me, I knew it, she knew it. She couldn't even wait a second longer for me. I had waited for her forever and she couldn't give me this time? No. She ran straight to Matt -So committment was the last thing I felt like declaring.

 **Turn a new leaf**

I decided it was time I stopped being selfish. How could I walk around, preaching about what should be mine if I hadn't earned it. So I took a page out of Brandon Walsh's book, _be the change you want to see in the world_. If I wanted to prove to Kelly I was a better man, than I had to actually be one.

I started with Gina... I treated her carelessly. I used her, and made no apologies. I had to step up for Madeline, I am one of the first influences she will have in her life, I didn't want her first lesson in life to be men disappointing her. I had to do better. I had to treat the people around me better.

Somewhere along the road to being better. I felt Kelly would never notice. She was always going to see the worst in me and the best in Matt. She was afraid that the person she became around guys like Brandon and Matt would fade if she remained around me, and I got tired of her doubting me. Maybe she won't ever notice what I do. Maybe I'll never be good enough. Maybe it was time to leave. Most people would say I was escaping again and you know what, I probably was. I grew tired of the same cycle and I grew tired of seeing Kelly chose other men over me and I wasn't going to stand here and watch it happen. So I agreed to leave with Gina.

But when it came to actually leaving, I realised something. Escaping won't do me any good. I'm not an 18 year old boy anymore. I'm a grown man. I must learn from my mistakes, repeating history won't do anything for me -and I knew, leaving LA would only result in me coming back, realising I should have fought for Kelly and realising it too late.

I wasn't finished yet. I wasn't going to burn out. _Kelly and I aren't finished yet_. Deep down I always knew that, I just needed to be reminded every now and then. I'm ready to fight for it. I won't run anymore. That's what Kelly needed to know, that I won't abandon here.

It hit me, that's what she needs to know... _I will not abandon her like her fathe_ r.

 **Eddie Waitkus**

That plan had to be put on hold for a while, and for good reason.

Steve and I discovered that my father was still alive. Kelly proved to me that she too, was turning a new leaf. She chose me. She chose to help me. She cared about my happiness too.

Being reunited with my father was the best thing that could have happened, I didn't care for his new family, I wanted him back... It was the only hope I had in my life. I lost everything and one of them came back to me.

But after speaking to Christine Pettit, I knew that real love means doing what's best for them. If she could love my father so much that she'd have to let him go be with someone else just to assure his safety. Then I had to do the same. I couldn't risk my father's life just to be selfish. If Christine could love him enough to let him go, so could I.

 **Doing the right thing**

On Matt's and my dirt bike trip, I promised to keep his infidelity a secret. I couldn't be a hypocrite here, especially when I'm known for listening to drugs and making mistakes while intoxicated, I couldn't betray him like that. I had changed. I wasn't going to ruin his relationship with Kelly over something this petty. If Kelly will come back to me one day, she won't come because of what Matt did. She would have to come because she too, realised she should be with me. I won't settle for less. Not when it came to her.

But then Matt and Kelly set a date for their wedding... that made it even more real. Maybe the right thing to do is step up. Could I let her marry him? Make the same mistake I did when she was about to marry Brandon? I never went inside to say hello. If I made the same mistake I would regret it forever. It took ages to heal from the idea that she would officially belong to someone else. I couldn't let that happen, but I couldn't just tell her that either... she would believe I was just trying to compete with Matt for her affection.

So I offered a trip around the world for two as their honeymoon gift. This time, I knew, she knew what it meant. I told her what this meant. I'm offering to give her the world again. The last time I offered that, I was ready to commit to us. That was me asking her to marry me.

She knew, I was asking her to choose again. _Choose our world._

 **Don't run away**

I guess Kelly assumed I was playing a game. Trying to mess with her head. She still didn't have much faith in me. She loved me, she just couldn't trust me. So I decided to say the words I had always found so hard to say to her. It was always particularly hard to say them to her, than it was to others -Because with Kelly, the feelings were too deep, and they have been engraved in our hearts for so long. It was so hard to actually admit just how deep they were. My feelings for Kelly were deeper than any feelings I ever had before and maybe on some level, I couldn't say them because it would make it too real. It would hurt too much if they weren't reciprocated. I was afraid to admit just how much Kelly is a part of my soul, so I could never bring myself to make those declarations... with Kelly, they were too true.

So that's just what I did. I told her, let me choose again. I know I scared her. She was terrified because for the first time what we had always known but never spoken was finally out in the open. I'm finally ready to admit I want it to be me and her forever. I'm not afraid of how deep my feelings are for her anymore.

She ran in fear. She wasn't there yet. She was still afraid to admit the depth of our feelings.

 **Ode to joy**

Kelly needed that eye-opener. She finally realised that she could never let go of me either. She came back. She came back to me. It was the best day of my life, knowing that she was ready to admit the depth of our feelings. She left Matt. Finding out about Matt's infidelity also proved to her that I had matured. I didn't use it against him, I waited for her to come be with me on her own terms and because of that she believed in me again.

I graduated. Donna and David got married and I finally got the future with the girl I always wanted.

 _My beautiful blonde, my girl in red, my paris girl, my wild hearted girl was mine once and for all._

So I guess, after all the pain and heartbreak, a connection this strong and a passion this powerful can conquer it all in the end. Aladdin gives Jasmine the world, right?

People will always tell you, you're making a mistake, there will always be those who don't approve of your wild hearts, your lack of conventional lifestyle or your rebellious attitude. But the truth is, it's your life, only you know what's best for you and you gotta fight for it because if you do, you'll realise happy endings do exist.

Shortly after Kelly and I were finally married. The great love of my life carries my name, and she gave me son to continue carrying my name. I have a _family_. I have everything I could ever want.

It does get better... and to quote Bogart, " _Here's looking at you, kid"_


End file.
